Friday, August 5, 2011

First Friday Column Club

The Husband writes stuff for magazines sometimes and snorts with pleasure when he thinks he's made an amusing point. Surprisingly, publications actually pay him to do this (the writing, not the snorting, obviously). I'm not going to but, as he can spit out a column in the same time it takes most of us to brush our teeth, I've asked him to write something here on a regular basis.

I'll put it up on the first Friday of every month. If you've seen a piece of writing that makes you smile - could be anything, even a one-liner, then please share with a link in the comments box - as I'd love to add some extra bright spots to my weekend. It's not as if there's much on TV in the evenings.

No pressure, though. I visit lots and lots of blogs and don't often leave a comment because sometimes I'm just in the mood to flit. Anyway, enough preamble. Here he is...

As one of the few male followers of Small Things, Simple Pleasures I think I’m uniquely credentialed to comment on the difference between the small, simple pleasures of men, and those of women. The fact that I happen to be married to The Author of this blog also helps in my understanding of the small but important distinctions.

Small Male Pleasure 1:
Mocking Sticks

Myself and The Child find it incredibly easy to mock those things that The Author loves and form the central theme of this blog. For example, I’ll get home and The Child will say, with much eye-rolling, “Mum stopped the car and picked up some sticks she found on the side of the road today,” and, with uncanny comic mimicry, demonstrate the effort required by The Author to get the massive bunch of sticks through the house. Hilarious.

Small Male Pleasure 2:
Enjoying Candles

Of course, I haven’t lived in the same house as The Author without some taste points rubbing off. I may often complain about the over-cushioning of the bed, but I do enjoy a good candle arrangement.
On the weekend we light the fire, cook something delicious, have a glass of wine and relax. The Author will make a beautiful installation of candles and sticks (see above). It’s just lovely.
If I decide to stay up and watch sport when she’s off to bed, The Author will blow out all the candles except for one and say, as she leaves the room, “that’s enough for you.”

Small Male Pleasure 3:
Gardening Machinery

I grew up on a farm but live in a small, inner-city semi, so I do have a weird fondness for my collection of electrical gardening machinery. I have a massive extension cord an electrician once left behind and with it I power my lawnmower, my hedge trimmer, my whipper-snipper and my beloved chainsaw.
When it’s gardening time I will attempt to use any piece in my collection but generally get made to do boring weeding after being accused of only wanting to do the “glory jobs”.

Small Male Pleasure 4:
Getting Out of Weeding

This is just so easy, it’s ridiculous. While being watched, you weed slowly and badly and protest “But I just did that bit!” when shown the patches you’ve missed.
Then you slink off inside for drinks of water and don’t come back, until you’re forgotten. I’m such an expert at this I can make “weeding” cover the removal of just two individual weeds.

Small Male Pleasure 5:
Wilful Disobedience

When discussing this column with The Author, I threatened to refer to her as The Publisher, which she thought was overcooked, grandiose, self-important and pandering to my corporate sensibilities, which are totally counter to the organic, personal and hand-crafted nature of the blogosphere.
And yet I still managed to call her The Publisher once…

I could go on … and on … but I see I have reached the limit of the strict word count I have been given. So you will never get the pleasure of my opinions on Speed Cameras, Correct Parking Procedure, Cooking Steaks, Disciplining Cats, Annoying Teenage Daughters (too easy), Dishwasher Stacking, Knowing When Things Are Clean Enough, Riding Bikes, High Pants and Silly Hair, to name a few.

Never mind. I must make a note to tell The Author all about it tonight …


  1. Ah, men enjoying candles!! this did make me laugh, especially 'that's enough for you'.

  2. HA! Loved this, especially Pleasure No. 1! My family thinks the blog world is lame and that I am a nut case. :) have a great day! Tammy

  3. Oh and don't we all need a good laugh! Seems to me as if the husband and the child could be ganging up on mum re the 'sticks' comments! I get the same about my 'shell and stone' compulsion. I think this household is a very happy one!
    PS. please do tell us how to know when something is curious.